i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
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Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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