I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
