The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
