i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
