Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
