I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
