it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
