She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
