She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
