Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
