I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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