Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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