Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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