It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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