New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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