can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
