I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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