Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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