He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
