Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
