he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
