He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have aggressive nipples.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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