pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
