She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
