Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
