you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
