Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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