Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize