She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
