She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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