The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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