NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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