A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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