you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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