hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
