..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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