Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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