We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
