No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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