I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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