I could make wine with my vomit
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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