i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
