apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize