It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
