Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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