I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
