The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
