I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
