I don't have enough holes for all these australians
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
