I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
