I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
