Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
