Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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