fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
