Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
