How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
