Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
