Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
