I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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